Gratitude, even when you don't feel it

Apparently I am only capable of blogging semi regularly when I have no free time. The past few months I have had more time on my hands than I have had in literally YEARS and yet I don't seem to accomplish anything semi productive. Since I've done a terrible, terrible job of keeping in touch for those who are wondering what I'm up to: I graduated end of August and am currently still living in Amsterdam doing research part time (in Delft) on frugal innovations in Africa for a joint research center between three Dutch universities. My contract runs until February 1st and soon I may be doing research very similar to my master thesis topic for another professor. The research center applied for funding that would include a PhD position. So far it looks like the money will come through which means I can probably start a PhD around March if I decide. Otherwise, I am mostly attempting to figure out how to deal with having so much time on my hands and survive off a two day a week salary (going well so far). And applying for jobs. So I suppose my main excuse for not blogging is simply having nothing interesting to blog about.

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving and after a lovely evening with dear friends sharing food, wine, and laughter I felt it was time to express gratitude for my current place in life. Some days thankfulness comes easily, but oftentimes when I stare out at the endless grey skies, or step into the wind and rain and cold and feel depressed about not knowing exactly where I will be or what I will be doing in the upcoming months, gratitude is not a word I would easily use to label my emotions. However, I'm slowly learning to be thankful when it isn't easy, and express gratitude for things or situations that at first glance don't seem thankfulness worthy. Although cultivating a spirit of thankfulness is not always easy, I'm discovering that expressing gratitude even when I don't feel it can slowly change my mindset. So in honor of one of my favorite American holidays, I am thankful for:

1. Dutch weather. Yes this is a shocker. I have notoriously complained about cold, grey, rain, snow (pretty much anything other than beach weather) for most of my life. I would be lying to say that if I could have everything I want in life I would not choose to live in a cold weather climate. BUT, this year I have been learning to appreciate the weather. Whether it's sunny and warm, cold and grey, bitterly windy, rainy, humid, hot, whatever. I am thankful for Dutch weather because when it's sunny, I appreciate it more. My heart truly sings when the sun bursts through after weeks of grey. I'm grateful that unlike many places in the world, having enough water is not even remotely a concern in this tiny country. I'm grateful for the wind when I'm cycling because it makes me work harder and makes up for the lack of hills in the this country. And I'm grateful for the evening light just before the sun sets, that colors and illuminates the many clouds in the Dutch sky. Sure, most days I can't say I'm thrilled to ride my bike through a torrential downpour only to sit soaking wet on the train. But I do think, the inconsistency of the Dutch weather makes me appreciate the sunny days, and allows me to slow down and not obsess over not getting enough exercise on a particular day, but instead sit instead with a book or good company and enjoy a cup of hot tea.

2. Working part time and being able to support myself. This is also a blessing in disguise. For most of my life I have obsessively saved, scrounged, skimped and become over-involved. I have a mortal fear of missing out on opportunities so rather than strategically saying no to preserve my sanity, I say yes to everything and forget about myself and people. I don't have any regrets, I'm also immensely grateful for the opportunities I've had. But it's actually a remarkable gift to be able to work two days a week and pay all my bills (barely). There's something deeply satisfying about living simply (maybe I'm strange in this way) and just being content that rent is paid, I have food in my stomach and am surrounded by good people. Although, I haven't figured out how to be productive and only work two days a week and not think and read myself to death with all my free time, I think this period of living extra simply and not having a massive to do list is a huge gift after years of working myself into the ground. And more importantly, the fact that I have health insurance, a room, and food while only working two days a week is a remarkable gift. I hope I can work more soon since saving is also important. But in the meantime, I am slowly accepting the gift of this period of waiting.

3. My friends, particularly my best friend. In December of 1996, my parents drove me to the neighbors house of the house we were temporarily renting for the supposed one year of living in Michigan. There I met Rebecca, we awkwardly attempted to get to know each other in what initially felt like a forced friendship (for the first day that is). But eighteen years, and six countries later I haven't managed to get rid of this girl. Whether it's making and selling cards in the "craft room", overly competitively playing games and hating each other afterwards, waking up at 6 am on weekends to go running, camping under the stars to avoid paying for a campsite, riding horses, biking through tulip fields, running in Cape Town South Africa, having a picnic in fairytale like woods in Altenkirchen Germany, hiking mountains in Uganda, or cooking over a charcoal stove in the Rwandan rainforest; this girl won't ever be out of my life. And for that I am thankful. Sometimes I hate her more than I love her, but I'm thankful for our random adventures, strange habits, her consistently inconsistent communication habits, and her lifelong support. Besides Rebecca, no matter where I go, I have been fortunate to meet sincere, open minded, smart, generous and kind people who challenge me and support me.

4. My family. I'm thankful that I was the only girl with four silly and unique brothers. I'm thankful that being surrounded by guys my whole life helped me to never seek out attention from men (perhaps to a fault ;) ), taught me to respect myself and demand respect from others and perhaps also gave me a very strong dislike for excessive drama. I'm thankful for a childhood where I was allowed and encouraged to play in dirt, to create, to explore, to learn, to read, and to be creative even if it meant doing ridiculous things. I'm thankful for parents who actively encouraged my travels and attempt to have a global mindset even when it means me living halfway across the world. I'm thankful for a family that has encouraged my questions and determination and goals even when I'm bull headed, stubborn and opinionated. And I'm thankful for the lessons of hospitality and generosity.

5. Healthy food. I'm grateful that I live somewhere, where I have the ability to create delicious and healthy meals and I'm thankful that I was taught good food habits from a young age so I never had to relearn my eating habits. Finally, I'm thankful that I was taught to think about where my food comes from and participate in growing my own food (even though I mostly kill anything that grows).

Finally, I'm thankful that in just three weeks I get to see almost my whole family in a corner of the world with perfect weather (sorry Dutch weather, I'm not THAT thankful for you)!

Small business owners in Uganda

Market in Banda, Rwanda

Avocados in Rwanda

Post charcoal stove cooking in Rwanda

Climate KIC friends in Valencia Spain

Fresh farm food just outside Milan, Italy

Graduation in Delft. My dear friend and former roommate.

Rollende Keuken (rolling kitchens), Amsterdam. 

Rwandese dancing at a wedding. 

Expectations Revisited

Just after moving to the Netherlands I wrote about the faulty expectations and the disappointment I felt about my last Ugandan experience. Even when I think about it now I feel ashamed at how disconnected I was from the local community. Since my time in Uganda this time around is so short, I came into the country with the idea that I would simply make the best of the time, get the research I need done, and see what comes of it all. I had no expectations of making new best friends or getting overly attached. All of this has been successful so far, but what has been most rewarding about the past two or so weeks is how incredibly easy it has been to connect here compared to Karamoja. This connection has made me feel SO much better about the disappointment I felt leaving Karamoja and made me realize that perhaps the lack of connection I made with Ugandans last time was not entirely my fault but more the culture and environment of the region I was living in.

Last Friday I was invited by the Ugandan general manager of our office to a party/sort of church service in his village. I went with some other friendly staff members for a very long day of speeches in Runyankole (that I have almost nonexistent knowledge of), lots of Ugandan food (NOT my favorite, more on this later), and later some drinks and more food at his home. Although I was the only white person there (win in my book!) and I mostly had absolutely no clue what was going on (apparently it was a 50th wedding anniversary celebration for his parents) it was a fun day! Being free to drink beer also aids in the connecting with locals process.

Most of the Ugandans I've met this time around are some combination (or all of the above) of very smart, well educated, and well traveled. This had made for some very interesting and open conversations. The last time I was in Uganda I was very reluctant to bring up the homosexuality bill (which at the time had been pushed aside) but now that Uganda is all over the news it has been very easy to bring up the issue. Which is probably one long term positive aspect of the bill. Now people are talking about it, activism can breed and the whole world is aware which will hopefully all bring change. What is frustrating is that the media has honed in on Uganda when in reality most of the continent shares similar sentiments only with slightly less harsh punishment. A few of the things I've gathered from my conversations and from my previous stay in Uganda:

• The anti-gay sentiment prevalent in this country I really think is more related to culture than religion or outside influences. Most of the people I speak with aren't particularly religious and don't support the bill per se but rather say that people should be able to make their own decisions. However, they share the concern that homosexuality will spread which they find disconcerting. The last time I was in Uganda I had a hunch that most of the uncomfortableness that Ugandans (and perhaps most Africans) have about homosexuality is how theoretically same sex couples cannot bear children. Fertility is so incredibly valued here. Recently a very smart man asked me if I wanted children. I answered directly and said I don't know. Certainly not anytime soon and it's not on my life to do list. He was a bit shocked and replied: I've had a name picked out for my first child for the past five years. I have yet to meet a Ugandan no matter how "progressive" or educated or empowered (to use Western vocabulary) they may be who does not have eventual plans for children. Conversely, in North America and Europe I know many people you have no plans for children. I'm not suggesting that Africans change to become more western but their love of children could explain some of the attitudes towards same-sex relationships. 
• Another issue that was brought up is the fact that most (perhaps almost all?) secondary schools here are separated by gender. During the hormone filled teen years apparently this can bring about some experimentation. 

And... the rest of my post didn't get saved and I don't feel like rewriting it all. So I'll conclude with this: Ugandans (rightly so) don't want to be continuously pushed by the west to accept western culture and values. What is difficult is when culture becomes intertwined with human rights violations. Gay rights aside we have a lot to learn from how Ugandans prioritize people, relationships, and community. I am very far from adapting here but spending time in Uganda has forced me to slow down my usual hyperactive self (I now have the reputation of "running" from the office because apparently I walk super fast) and take a bit of a breather. And here are a few photos of the past few weeks: 

Open Doors

As usual I'm blogging to procrastinate. If nothing else that's what this blog has been good for. I officially have two months and four days left in Korea and this means two months and four days to make a plan for what I'm doing next, plan a ridiculous number of lessons for all the teaching I'm doing this summer (yep no deskwarming this "vacation"), make some semblance of a plan for my trip to Bali and the Philippines (in true Rachel fashion this is less pressing to me seeing as all my trips are rather spontaneous), figure out packing and shipping my stuff somewhere (since I don't have a future plan or home yet, sigh), figuring out getting all my money sent to my U.S. bank account after I leave, planning and finalizing my visit to my friend in South Africa and seeing my family (or maybe just my dad) in Botswana, and most importantly keeping busy with the awesome activities I've been doing here and seeing important people before I leave. This flurry of activity is also my attempt to reduce the mix of confusion about liiiife, sadness about leaving Korea, and general stress about making a plan that I've been feeling lately.

REALLY don't want to say goodbye to these little guys.
Also, as you can see I have great classroom management skills (NOT!)

Two weeks ago I was forced to officially tell my school that I'm not staying for another year. I was half hoping the renewal notice just somehow wouldn't come and I could keep playing the game where I haven't in fact booked my tickets to South Africa and I am still very much unsure about whether or not I will stay another year (which actually isn't so far from the truth). My announcement brought more sadness than I expected and each day my students (even the devil ones) seem to get cuter and more pleasant, making me wonder if I made the wrong decision. And my after school class doesn't help matters. A few of my little 1st and 2nd graders are beginning to read and it fills me with such pride and joy only to be crushed two seconds later when I get the sinking realization that I'm leaving them in two months and they could be stuck with a terrible, loser native teacher who either doesn't care about them and or doesn't know how to teach little ones who speak almost no English (not that I really know how to either). That's a bit extreme, but regardless I will be creating a VERY detailed plan of everything I've done with the little ones in the hope that their little sponge brains will continue to absorb English once I'm gone.

So even though on a daily basis, I get frequent semi freak out moments of "Where in the world will I be at the end of September?", "I will have no job in September!", "What am I doing with my life?", "Did I make the right decision not to stay at my current school?" I am TRYING to chill out and realize that some things are just not in my control. I've always been the person who at least SEEMS to have her life together. I always have a plan. I always am employed. I always know where I'm going next. I'm obsessive about saving money so that I always have emergency money (that got me far since I have less money in my savings at the moment than I did in middle school). Well right now I'm not going to pretend that I have my life in order any more, because I most certainly don't. I don't have a plan for next year, I am very poor but luckily completely debt free at the moment (adios student loan!), and I don't even know where my family will be in two months. In the midst of my confusion and obsessing I stumbled upon (quite literally stumbled upon) this quote:


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." 
— Helen Keller

I think right now I'm a bit stuck looking at the door(s) of happiness that have recently closed: this year in Korea, wonderful opportunities for travel the last four years, good internships, etc, that I haven't quite found that new door. Or it hasn't opened for me just yet. I've often had the image of being in a waiting room with doors surrounding me and the feeling of being trapped. Which doors are open? Which is the right one to go into? So for now I'm searching for that door by filling out lots of applications and trusting that God will open the right door for me.

But in the midst of my waiting this past month has been filled with lots of wonderful adventures:

-Running my last half marathon (until it cools down at least) in a beautiful mountain city two hours away from Seoul (Hwacheon). Clean refreshing air and good weather even if it was a bit hot! Plus lots of freebies of course!

-Spent the beginning of the month taking advantage of a long weekend to couch surf in the southern coastal city of Busan. Beautiful weather, and wonderful people!

- Two weekends ago hiking the second tallest mountain in Korea in Jirisan National Park with two of my good friends. A weekend completely void of other waygooks (foreigners) surprisingly, and lots of friendly, kind and generous Koreans. From the moment we stepped off the bus there were kind Koreans helping us. We stayed in a minbak which is like budget hotel where you sleep traditional Korean style on the floor in a small room. It was quite pleasant and a good night's sleep for the money. On the entire hike friendly Korean hikers (all AT LEAST 20 years older than us) stopped to chat, share food with us, or get pictures with us. I successfully understood and spoke some Korean and I was once again amazed at how kind and generous Koreans usually are. I'm going to miss hiking in Korea!

-Going to see German films at the Goethe Institute in Seoul with a new German speaking Korean friend.

-Attending Language Cast meetups in Seoul to meet friendly people and practice my German and Korean.

Picnic in the park while learning Korean 

-Continuing to meet with my amazing language exchange partner to study Korean. Usually I compare my Korean to those who speak it much better than me but when I think about how far I've come and how I can now understand quite a bit and have a simple conversation, I suppose I've done well given my sub-par study efforts. My language partner, Eunjung has become a close friend and yet another person who I REALLY don't want to say goodbye to. She has promised to visit me wherever I go next and I most certainly will be returning to Korea in the near future to visit her and some of the other lovely people I've met here. She has been an incredible friend and teacher for me, and I've enjoyed helping her with her English.

Due to my obsessive planning nature all my weekends for the next two months besides three are fully booked. Looking forward to a visit from a friend I haven't seen in two years (this weekend! YES!), mud festival, helping at an English vacation bible school, and couchsurfing in the Philippines and Bali with lots of beach, mountains, scuba diving and relaxing time. But in the meantime, for my friends around the world and those who think I always have my life together: I don't have too much of a clue where I will be or what I will be doing post September, and I REALLY don't have my life together. Just waiting, waiting for the right door to open.

Costa Rica Nostalgia

Going through my old e-mails and stumbled across this concluding e-mail I sent out before I left Costa Rica last summer. Of course I deleted the more humorous of my Costa Rica e-mails. Maybe this habit of mine of constantly deleting messages is a bad thing. Anyway thought I would post this so it's preserved.

E-mail from Aug. 5th 2010

So tomorrow I fly back to the states and I haven´t seen even half of what I would have liked to see in this gorgeous country but the theme of this trip has seemed to be meeting incredible people. The past week has just been a string of amazing experiences revolving around beautiful and inspiring people that I will never forget.

Last Friday Rachel and I and three other people from the farm headed to San Jose for the evening to meet up with Anthony (one of the translators on my Nicaragua trip) and Kat his girlfriend who is a valpo grad. It was so nice to see them and they showed us so much hospitality. Anthony picked out a restuarant in the hills surrounding San Jose (drove us through horrible traffic to get there) where we could look out the window and watch the lights of the city. Soooo beautiful, and so nice since we never would have made it there on our own. It was good to reconnect with Anthony and meet Kat and talk about our Valpo experiences. Its funny how simply graduating from the same college can connect you. I also decided that I think I´m going to come back here and volunteer at their church after I´m done teaching English.

Saturday we caught an early bus to Manuel Antonio for the beach. We couldn´t get seats so we had to stand for the entire trip through winding roads through the mountains. Manuel Antonio wasn´t quite what I expected--very touristy and we didn´t pay to get into the national park so the beaches weren´t the most beautiful I´ve seen, but it was still refreshing to get away from the farm and spend some time on the beach. The owner of our hostel was this little, motherly Costa Rican woman who made us homemade breakfast everyday and made sure we were safe and sound in whatever we were doing. It was so nice to feel cared for by a stranger.

Monday was the last day on the farm. While we were gone five more wwoofers had arrived so it was so crazy! There were two girls from England which was a welcome relief from all the Americans and Canadians we´ve met on the trip. Tuesday we spent a couple last hours in Cuidad Colon at this organic juice bar with yet another amazing woman. The rest of the afternoon/evening we spent in San Jose. We went to the market where Rachel and I met a beautiful, kind Italian woman, who married a Costa Rican, and who has lived in Germany. We had a brief conversation in German and she gave us these beads for good luck as well as goodbye hugs. So funny how you can connect with someone in such a short period of time.

Today, four of us took a day trip to Volcan Poaz--a semi active volcano about 3 hours from San Jose. Once the rain and fog cleared up it was cool to see the crater and it was a fun trip overall but not quite what I was expecting after climbing the volcano in Nicaragua. Back in San Jose we went to dinner at an organic restuarant and met a sweet lady who poured our her life story to Rachel in Spanish.

Tomorrow we´re taking a 4:40 am shuttle to the airport and ending this chapter of travels. It astounds me the random connections we´ve made on this trip and the people I´ve met. While its sad to say goodbye and go back to the insanity that´s awaiting me in the states, I feel like I will randomly meet these people again at some point.