Gratitude, even when you don't feel it

Apparently I am only capable of blogging semi regularly when I have no free time. The past few months I have had more time on my hands than I have had in literally YEARS and yet I don't seem to accomplish anything semi productive. Since I've done a terrible, terrible job of keeping in touch for those who are wondering what I'm up to: I graduated end of August and am currently still living in Amsterdam doing research part time (in Delft) on frugal innovations in Africa for a joint research center between three Dutch universities. My contract runs until February 1st and soon I may be doing research very similar to my master thesis topic for another professor. The research center applied for funding that would include a PhD position. So far it looks like the money will come through which means I can probably start a PhD around March if I decide. Otherwise, I am mostly attempting to figure out how to deal with having so much time on my hands and survive off a two day a week salary (going well so far). And applying for jobs. So I suppose my main excuse for not blogging is simply having nothing interesting to blog about.

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving and after a lovely evening with dear friends sharing food, wine, and laughter I felt it was time to express gratitude for my current place in life. Some days thankfulness comes easily, but oftentimes when I stare out at the endless grey skies, or step into the wind and rain and cold and feel depressed about not knowing exactly where I will be or what I will be doing in the upcoming months, gratitude is not a word I would easily use to label my emotions. However, I'm slowly learning to be thankful when it isn't easy, and express gratitude for things or situations that at first glance don't seem thankfulness worthy. Although cultivating a spirit of thankfulness is not always easy, I'm discovering that expressing gratitude even when I don't feel it can slowly change my mindset. So in honor of one of my favorite American holidays, I am thankful for:

1. Dutch weather. Yes this is a shocker. I have notoriously complained about cold, grey, rain, snow (pretty much anything other than beach weather) for most of my life. I would be lying to say that if I could have everything I want in life I would not choose to live in a cold weather climate. BUT, this year I have been learning to appreciate the weather. Whether it's sunny and warm, cold and grey, bitterly windy, rainy, humid, hot, whatever. I am thankful for Dutch weather because when it's sunny, I appreciate it more. My heart truly sings when the sun bursts through after weeks of grey. I'm grateful that unlike many places in the world, having enough water is not even remotely a concern in this tiny country. I'm grateful for the wind when I'm cycling because it makes me work harder and makes up for the lack of hills in the this country. And I'm grateful for the evening light just before the sun sets, that colors and illuminates the many clouds in the Dutch sky. Sure, most days I can't say I'm thrilled to ride my bike through a torrential downpour only to sit soaking wet on the train. But I do think, the inconsistency of the Dutch weather makes me appreciate the sunny days, and allows me to slow down and not obsess over not getting enough exercise on a particular day, but instead sit instead with a book or good company and enjoy a cup of hot tea.

2. Working part time and being able to support myself. This is also a blessing in disguise. For most of my life I have obsessively saved, scrounged, skimped and become over-involved. I have a mortal fear of missing out on opportunities so rather than strategically saying no to preserve my sanity, I say yes to everything and forget about myself and people. I don't have any regrets, I'm also immensely grateful for the opportunities I've had. But it's actually a remarkable gift to be able to work two days a week and pay all my bills (barely). There's something deeply satisfying about living simply (maybe I'm strange in this way) and just being content that rent is paid, I have food in my stomach and am surrounded by good people. Although, I haven't figured out how to be productive and only work two days a week and not think and read myself to death with all my free time, I think this period of living extra simply and not having a massive to do list is a huge gift after years of working myself into the ground. And more importantly, the fact that I have health insurance, a room, and food while only working two days a week is a remarkable gift. I hope I can work more soon since saving is also important. But in the meantime, I am slowly accepting the gift of this period of waiting.

3. My friends, particularly my best friend. In December of 1996, my parents drove me to the neighbors house of the house we were temporarily renting for the supposed one year of living in Michigan. There I met Rebecca, we awkwardly attempted to get to know each other in what initially felt like a forced friendship (for the first day that is). But eighteen years, and six countries later I haven't managed to get rid of this girl. Whether it's making and selling cards in the "craft room", overly competitively playing games and hating each other afterwards, waking up at 6 am on weekends to go running, camping under the stars to avoid paying for a campsite, riding horses, biking through tulip fields, running in Cape Town South Africa, having a picnic in fairytale like woods in Altenkirchen Germany, hiking mountains in Uganda, or cooking over a charcoal stove in the Rwandan rainforest; this girl won't ever be out of my life. And for that I am thankful. Sometimes I hate her more than I love her, but I'm thankful for our random adventures, strange habits, her consistently inconsistent communication habits, and her lifelong support. Besides Rebecca, no matter where I go, I have been fortunate to meet sincere, open minded, smart, generous and kind people who challenge me and support me.

4. My family. I'm thankful that I was the only girl with four silly and unique brothers. I'm thankful that being surrounded by guys my whole life helped me to never seek out attention from men (perhaps to a fault ;) ), taught me to respect myself and demand respect from others and perhaps also gave me a very strong dislike for excessive drama. I'm thankful for a childhood where I was allowed and encouraged to play in dirt, to create, to explore, to learn, to read, and to be creative even if it meant doing ridiculous things. I'm thankful for parents who actively encouraged my travels and attempt to have a global mindset even when it means me living halfway across the world. I'm thankful for a family that has encouraged my questions and determination and goals even when I'm bull headed, stubborn and opinionated. And I'm thankful for the lessons of hospitality and generosity.

5. Healthy food. I'm grateful that I live somewhere, where I have the ability to create delicious and healthy meals and I'm thankful that I was taught good food habits from a young age so I never had to relearn my eating habits. Finally, I'm thankful that I was taught to think about where my food comes from and participate in growing my own food (even though I mostly kill anything that grows).

Finally, I'm thankful that in just three weeks I get to see almost my whole family in a corner of the world with perfect weather (sorry Dutch weather, I'm not THAT thankful for you)!

Small business owners in Uganda

Market in Banda, Rwanda

Avocados in Rwanda

Post charcoal stove cooking in Rwanda

Climate KIC friends in Valencia Spain

Fresh farm food just outside Milan, Italy

Graduation in Delft. My dear friend and former roommate.

Rollende Keuken (rolling kitchens), Amsterdam. 

Rwandese dancing at a wedding. 

Present

A few weeks ago I came to a both exciting and frightening realization: every single minute, hour, day of our lives are 100% unique and we will never experience that exact moment again. On the one hand this is an intimidating and frightening thought but on a more positive note it makes one realize how special the present is, even if we may be counting down the hours, days, weeks, months to a seemingly more exciting moment. The concept of living in the present is something we could take a lesson or two from stereotypical African culture. While living in the present there often means meetings starting hours late, perpetual tardiness to work, and the tasks left uncompleted; it also means impromptu visits from friends, stopping all to do lists (I'm still skeptical that the concept of a to do list even exists there), and simply taking the time to chat with people even if it means being late for something. Living in super organized, scheduled, punctual, consistent and efficient Holland where socializing is scheduled months in advance (I am not exaggerating here), being late is frowned upon, completion of tasks is assumed, and holidays are planned practically years in advance has mostly been an easy transition since I also have an obsession with planning and control (in the broad sense). Although in recent years I am lucky to know where I will be living a few months in advance I am still constantly making plans and looking forward to the next adventure.

Approximately a month ago now (where did the time go?) while enduring the grueling exam period that stretches on forever here, I had the astonishing thought to simply stop counting down the days and number of exams left until new things began but to actually sit down and ENJOY the process of studying and the sometimes challenging task of exam taking. This was indeed a revelation since although I thoroughly enjoy the school environment and learning and reading and listening, I am actually quite horrible at sitting down and studying. So far I have managed to survive by constantly changing my study environment and mostly just cramming all the information into my brain the night before an exam (yes, I know this is what everyone says not to do). In spite of my dislike for studying during my first exam this year a thought popped into my head: "I am incredibly lucky to be sitting in this room simply taking this exam!" Shifting my focus from one of just completing everything, to trying to enjoy the moments of studying with the knowledge that I am exceptionally privileged to be able to study and more importantly realizing I will never be in this exact situation again in my life, made for a surprisingly pleasant exam period.

Last year when I wrote my annual year summary I left on the note that perhaps this year would be uncomfortably "stable". While I have spent the whole year theoretically living in the same city, 2013 certainly has brought its share of travels, adventures and surprises. But perhaps more importantly I am starting to become more comfortable with the notion of simply enjoying every moment I have and not stressing about my next plans or destination. In light of enjoying the present and being thankful for all the moments we get (and in the spirit of American Thanksgiving) I leave you with a few things I'm thankful for:

-A lovely visit from the best mother anyone could ask for. We discovered the picturesque and fairy tale like veggie capital (most vegetarian restaurants per capita and even a meat free day at schools) of Europe (Gent, Belgium), wandered through various Dutch cities, and visited a few too many natural food stores.

-A cozy apartment with friendly roommates (even if some of our roommates are perhaps three generations of mice)

-Opportunities for travel (recently: Freiburg, Budapest & Tunisia)

-A healthy body

-The opportunity to study

-Biking as my primary mode of transport

-Being debt free

Back to living in the present---which means writing a 3000 word paper that's due tomorrow and hasn't even been started...

Becoming Dutch

Subconsciously, people absorb the thoughts, attitudes, and rituals of the people around them. Of course there are deep rooted values that you learned as a child and are difficult to ever get rid of, but without realizing it you will subtly become a bit more like those you spend time with. When living outside your home country, this subconscious adaptation process is perhaps more altering. The few visits I've made to the US during the past two years of living abroad have shown me how I've changed and perhaps picked up some of the habits of the people I've spent time with in the places I've lived. However  there are certain things that haven't changed and probably never will. As I study cross cultural management I've become perhaps too aware of culture differences and how they affect interactions, and how one changes in a different cultural setting. Through this study I've discovered how "Dutch" I really am. One of the books we're studying for the class is written by Geert Hofstede, a researcher who created dimensions of culture through cross cultural surveys. He attempted to quantify culture, something I don't entirely agree with, but something that can make for some interesting discussions and comparisons when thinking about all the places I've lived over the past few years. Excuse the nerdiness of this post but below is a graph comparing the scores for the US cultural dimensions and the Dutch cultural dimensions
http://geert-hofstede.com/united-states.html

Enough nerdiness, you can read about the cultural dimensions and how surprisingly similar Dutch and American culture is (at least surprising to me since I thought the Dutch were more like Germans). Why am I Dutch?

-My (Greek) roommate and I consume an unbelievably amount of bread and cheese per week. All of the Dutch I know diligently bring their lunches to school with them. A Dutch lunch generally simply consists of bread and cheese and perhaps a bit of lunch meet. What's humorous to me is seeing my classmates bring almost a whole loaf of bread to class and happily munch on it. I also bring my own lunch to school and unlike the US where most of my friend simply ate in the cafeteria, I contentedly eat my homemade sandwich with my similar Dutch friends.

-Bringing my lunch to school brings me to point number two: my frugality. My "frugality" (there are less positive words for it) has been one constant in every place I've lived and at every stage in my life. I seem to have been born with some instinct and desire to save money at all times. I actually derive great pleasure from saving money and coming up with clever ways to cut costs. Riding around a rusty old bike that I got a good deal on (also practical since bike theft is a real problem here)? Of course! But what's lovely about this country is that all the Dutch do the same. There is no pretentiousness here. Everyone rides a bike (including the mail man--a fact that brightens my day every time I see the mail delivered) and most people have their old trusty bikes. Although, I still am probably still more frugal than the average Dutch, I don't have to explain myself to my Dutch friends when I'm trying to find the cheapest possible cell phone deal. And the expression "Dutch pay" was named Dutch for a reason. Personally, I appreciate the practicality and frugality of the Dutch. I will never understand the concept of credit and spending money you don't have.

-Sarcasm. Unlike your average German (sorry Germans), the Dutch sense of humour is actually quite sarcastic. I often find myself in situations similar to undergrad (all boys) where I am constantly being made fun of. My spelling skills are currently sub-par at best due to four years of engineering professors who were unable to spell and living in countries filled with non-native English speakers for two years. I have unfortunately made spelling errors in front of my whole class (not good when you're one of few native speakers in the class). My Dutch friends are quick to ask "which country are you from again?" and my spelling skills frequently are the topic of many jokes. It is quite pleasant to effortlessly be sarcastic without having to explain myself.

While my first month here was a bit of an adjustment coming from a country where time is meaningless, the sun shines constantly, everyone has a good sense of rhythm, and I constantly stood out, now I'm settling into the pleasantness of life in Holland. Even though the weather is predictably miserable and often causes me to nearly be blown off my bike, I am learning to deeply appreciate the orderliness of this country, the friendliness of people, the ability to find nearly anything I could possibly want in the store (and not just one store but many right next to each other! Who knew there were so many choices?), and the simply luxury of fitting in for once. Lastly, I have an unhealthy addiction to stroopwaffels. If I am obese in a few months stroopwaffels will be the cause.